Half Assed Dating

I don't really go on Ok Cupid dates anymore.  Mainly because I'm dating someone, but also because I have a new job that's actually hard.  I work about 5-8 more hours a week, and another hour or 2 or commuting every day.  I travel for work often enough that it would make scheduling dates harder.  Traveling for work is awesome.  You get to stay in a hotel for 2-3 nights, expense your meals, and you have an excuse to do vacationy things.

I got to go to Santa Fucking Barbara this week, and accidentally ended up on 2 unplanned first date scenarios.  So, suck on that, Dudes of Ok Cupid Who Claim They Travel Too Much To Have Time For Dating.  Just do it on location.  You know you're gonna have some time to kill.

I really wanted a margarita and some tacos.  Based on Yelp, I went to the only Mexican restaurant that had a full bar. After I'd had an amazing jalapeno margarita and some average tacos, the guy two seats away asks if I'd like to do a tequila shot with him and his friend.

You can't really think about it too long, before you answer.  Is this a bad idea?  I'm 3 blocks from my hotel, I don't have to be at work until 9 tomorrow, and it's only 7 pm now.  I'm in a public place, and there is no reason I will need to get in a car with this or any other dude.

I switched to the barstool in between us.  He said his name was Mario.  He was wearing a tee shirt that said "What Happens in Santa Barbara Stays in Santa Barbara," so I could be certain I wouldn't be tempted to have sex with him later, no matter how many tequila shots went down.

Mario launched into a monologue about being a fisherman and how cool it is.  Turns out whales are actually scary.  Then we spent a lot of time discussing the man at the end of the bar, because he looked like some actor
"....in the movie with like, snow and winter.."
" 'The Grey?'  Hugh Jackman?"
"   and he's trying to save his daughter..."
" 'Taken?' Liam Neeson?"
"No, no, I know you know who I'm talking about, I just can't place it."
"Ryan Gosling?  Channing Tatum?  Oh Oh I Know!  Morgan Freeman!  Sorry, no, seriously... Steven Baldwin?  Sean Connery?"
"Are you just naming actors?"
"No.  Why would you say that?"

It was Dennis Quaid.  I think it's so funny how that romantic comedy dialogue works so well when you're not at all into someone.  We talked about food and family and work and all the standard first date shit.  He took every opportunity to touch my hand as though it was part of the conversation.  Where do guys learn how to do this shit?

We moved on to probably the best drinking environment I've ever encountered- it was a little no-sign bar, called The Back Room, and the patio was like... Ok, everything in California is gorgeous, but this place was really cool. I'd be there every weekend if I lived there.  Large-scale wicker furniture with big cushions you could lounge around upon, tiki torches and rustic tea light holders, tropical plants in the corners that draped over me like a little canopy, not a single person who looked like they were from the Jersey Shore, and a bartender who might have been Owen Wilson.  I sighed a little about how beautiful everything was (cause I'm that guy)

"Don't leave," he said.

"I know, right?!"

"No, I'm serious.  Do you have to leave?  Can you change your ticket?"

"Um, for a few $100, so, no."

"I don't care, I'll pay for it."

"That's insane."

"I really like you.  Like, I really, REALLY like you.  I don't even understand it.  Why do I like you so much?  Why?"

"Is that an actual question? Like, do you want to know why, or you're just, like, saying?"

"Um, no I want to know, cause I don't get it. My friends set me up with girls, and they're great and all, but I just don't feel it.  With you, I totally feel it, I think you're amazing and I don't want you to leave.  Why is that?"

"No, really, that's a serious question?  Like, you would like me to answer?"

"yes, I wanna know what's up,"

"Well, no one set you up with me, so you weren't expecting or anticipating anything.  I wasn't, either, so there's no pressure on you.  And you know I'm gonna leave in a minute.  If I was sitting here saying 'next weekend we should do stuff, and next month we you should meet all my friends,' it would worry you, cause now I'm having expectations.  I don't want anything from you.  Plus, you know I'm leaving on Friday.  So, obviously that helps.  I mean, I could keep going?"

"Yeah but, I really like you!"

Oh... I don't even know what to do with you.

He walked me the block and a half back to my hotel, and in the parking lot, I said bye, and he didn't try to kiss me or anything.  I've been on dates where the guy didn't seem to show any interest until the end of the date when I was surprise-made-out with.  Mario was all about physical contact, in a totally non creepy way (he only touched my hand or shoulder, not my neck, my hip, my ass.)  I was complicit in the hand touching but didn't really reciprocate.  Like an adult, he picked up on it and didn't try to kiss me.  Even though he was painfully un-self-aware, he had a really good sense of what was friendly and what was inappropriate.  Good job, Mario.  

I had told him I was in town for 2 more days, but I didn't hear from him while I was there.  After I'd been home for a day, he texted a few times "I want 2 C U," and I didn't answer, cause c'mon.  The second night I was there, I got to have another weird version of a first date, this time with an adult.

SincereGuy

Sincere Guy: Hey. How was your week? What are you up to?

(Me:  looks at his profile.  20 minutes pass)

SincereGuy: Lets keep it real.. I was that bad lol?

Me:Nooo! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be an asshole. But, I mean, pretty low match %, we seem to have very different interests and values, 

And your username sounds like you're being ironic. I mean, I don't think you are, and of course it's indicative of my problem, right, that actual sincerity is mistaken for irony. But telling someone you're funny is not as effective as making them laugh; telling someone you're smart is not as effective as making them think, y'know? "Show, don't tell," and all that. Again, I don't want to dismiss someone for their earnestness... And there might be plenty of girls who search for #sincere, but it was a turnoff for me, I guess? 

I mean, since you asked. 
My profile could use some work too, I know

Sincere Guy: That's retarded.. Cause I mean what I say. I am bad. Well actually no it makes sense. Girls like guys who lie and cheat and fuck anything that walks. I was really just starting conversation. And no I wouldn't say you're too good for me.. Lets keep it real!

Me: I didn't respond; and you insisted on a response. I said nothing critical of you. I just tried to explain my reaction, since you seemed interested. 

I'm sorry if I've upset you; I didn't mean to imply anything like that, and it is in no way a criticism of you. Please read my response again, if you think it was "retarded" of that I said you were "bad," 

Sincerity is important to me, but it's something that you pick up in context. 

I am not criticizing sincerity, I'm only suggesting there is a better way to get that across. I went out with someone once who gave a long speech about how he totally had never raped anyone. I generally assume most guys haven't, but the fact that he brought it up for no reason was ominous. I mean, "the lady doth protest to much," you know? 

I don't understand the basis of your reference to "girls liking guys who lie." I said that you came of as inauthentic, although I didn't think that was the case. Meaning, I certainly didn't think you were a lying, but that your delivery triggered the reaction. My intention was to help, since you asked. 

I would never think you or anyone else would say I'm "too good" for anyone. Where did that even come from? 

You implied that I was a girl who "liked guys who lie and cheat and fuck anything that walks." Is that because I didn't want to date you? I gave you some suggestions on your writing style. Have you always hated women?

Sincere Guy: When dis I say I wanted to date you? Are you tucking serious? I don't date gaps... 

And I erased the last message. It was retarded... 

You shouldn't just assume. 

And not always hated women but moat are pigs. Besides my mom and sister. Both amazing people. But ever since I had to get rid of my ex on my 30th bday cause she was stuck on some loser who creates on her then died. I bought her a Michelle watch and ahead said it was important cause he was supposed to buy her one. Like later bitch. Bahah..

Me: I'm really worried for you. you are the worst person I have ever interacted with. I think you should talk to someone. 

If English is not your first language, I'm sorry for the confusion. 

If you're just that drunk, I'm sorry

Sincere Guy: Haha no that's my phone.. I am a great person actually I just keep it real. When did I say I wanted to date you? Lets keep it real.. 

And since you wanna be rude. I have a good dentsit you want his number?

And why cause I don't have sympathy for some bitch stuck on some guy who cheated on her? Cheaters are losers.

Me: I'm actually not that concerned with making myself look the way you think I should, but thanks. 

I didn't say you wanted to date me. You sent me a message, on a dating site, and you were hurt that I didn't respond. It's ok. 

I'm not being rude. 
I'm horrified.

Sincere Guy: I was hurt haha. Ok. No I just didn't understand how a average looking girl would be too good to say anything. I don't date Wc girl anyway they are horrible. Plus what if I bring her out and my buddy says I just banged her baha

Not really sure why either of us are entertaining this conversation you just weren't interested

Me: yeah, no I mean, I'm so concerned for you, that you've never been told what a piece of shit you are. If I can have any effect on that, if there's a chance you'll take a look at yourself address what's really bothering you. 

In the meantime, please don't leave your house. you're the worst human being I've ever interacted with and I hope you can change

Sincere Guy: Why cause I keep it real. I was joking about some things. But I do think Cheaters are losers. And lets keep it real when did I ask to date you? Do I look desperate?

Me: you didn't. I never said you wanted to date me. I said I didn't want to date you. 

You have said you don't want to date me, even though I sure didn't ask. 

see how that works? 

you messaged me. if my face is that fucked up, and you messaged me anyway, you should think about where your life has taken you. Just saying.

Sincere Guy: I never said your face was sucked? I said that? 

I am selective I just message you to see if you had anything to say. Then you kept looking at my profile but were too good to say anything. . 

I actually don't date blondes I am shallow only like women with dark hair. I was actually bored and have a big ego and was confused how you could be too good. That's all. I mean obvious I am not as smart as you and type as proper as you..

Me: I like to say what I mean. I can't fault you for liking dark hair, straight teeth, etc. I'm not attracted to guys that are shorter than me, whatever. I dunno where you're getting "too good." I'm not interested in you (because you're a misogynist), you're not interested in me (blonde, snaggletoooth) No one's better or worse than anyone. 

Are you suggesting you messaged me because you were not interested, because I was so ugly you were sure you wouldn't be ignored? 

I'm kind of attached to the gap in my teeth. I know it's not traditionally beautiful, but I really prefer to not change myself to look like everyone else. I like it because it's me, and it's always been that way. Also I have a dentist.

Sincere Guy: Again I joke a lot. Who am I to say anything about your teeth. I don't have perfect teeth or anything. Not many people do. 

I don't know you so how would I know if I would be interested. 

I do normally date dark hair girls. But again I need more then looks. 

I just thought you went all deep about how I was that bad. So yes naturally my defense was to say something back. Clearly I thought you were cute that's why I messaged you... 

Again how can someone be interested or not interested over a fucking computer. I am arrogant I feel like if I message a girl why wouldn't she say anything back. I am a nice guy who isn't ugly that dresses nice and always smells good. It's not like I am some fat loser that can't get girls in real life. I am just selective and don't meet many girls I connect with so I had to resort to this..

Me: I wanted to give some context to why you username was not appealing to me. If you re read that, I was describing why my reaction was bad, not why you were bad. Sleep on it. 

I'd rather go out with a "fat loser" than someone who thinks most women are pigs

Sincere Guy: Well of course not all women are pigs. I don't know I mean I don't need to sleep on anything haha. I just can't believe you wouldn't reply to someone cause of a username. 

I actually love my mother more then anything. She is the greatest person to ever walk the earth. Also my sister is such a great mommy and wife. My brother in law couldn't be any luckier. 

Also you don't know what I have been through with women . I have only had 4 gfs one left me cause I didn't make enough money. The other cause she wanted to be with her ex who beat her up and smoked crack. And the other two I had to leave cause they weren't over guys who cheated on them.. And I don't lie these were all real reasons. The one told me she was only with me for 9 months because my dick so until you walk in my shoes.. It's hard to judge!

Me: It sounds like you've dated some horrible people. I'm sorry. Seeing someone you care about do something self destructive is so painful. Not being able to do anything to change their mind is even worse. 

If the majority of people you've dated are awful, you should think about what they have in common (hint: it's the fact that they dated you) It sounds like a lot of the women who were attracted to you were also attracted to guys who did hurtful or abusive things to them. 

There are a lot of women who aren't like that. But, if you insult them, they'll walk away. Women who like abuse will stay. If you talk to other women the way you talk to me, the emotionally healthy ones will make a beeline for the door, and the messed up ones will cling until they find another abuser. 

Sincere Guy: Wait are you saying I am abuser whatever. You don't know me attractive all.. I am actually too nice. They tell themselves they want someone nice and they can't handle it. 

You act like you are some angel who is a really nice person. I mean i don't know if you are. But you didn't come off as a good person. 

I am a great uncle, son, worker, brother friend, cousin and person. I was really just joking oh and I called you out on your bullshit. 

My cousin always said I would make a great husband and even better father. 

Also these women don't tell you all this in the beginning. I mean the one came off like a great person. She had her masters from Widner a Bmw and owned her own house. She was just stuck on her part she couldn't help it. It just sucks she couldn't be honest with me about it. Her loss.

Me: Oh word, she had a BMW? well everyone knows that's correlated directly with character. 

Sincere Guy: No not always but it means your successful. Whats wrong with that?

Yeah I think BMW makes the best car its not my fault you don't know that..

Seriously I don't know who you think you ate. Like you're the best person in the world..

Yeah ok... Seriously what makes you think you're so great? Please explain. Cause you know big words?

Me: I don't think I'm great. I just think you're fucking worthless.

Sincere Guy: Oh ok I worthless.. Does that make you feel better. So if you're so great why are you single?

And what normal adult doesn't have a credit card? Aww what American express didn't want you so you wouldn't settle for discover?

Well like you said you're special only 4% of people like you exist. . That's impressive. .

(Me: ....asleep...)