I went out with a guy a year ago that I will call Jim because he looks like Jim Halpert from The Office. We went out, had a good time, and ended up fooling around that same night. We didn’t have sex. I feel this distinction is arbitrary, but he seems to think it’s relevant. He had to leave for a work trip the next day, but we texted a lot during that, mostly about how we wanted to fuck each other’s brains out. When he came back I tried to make plans to do stuff, like go out to dinner, or get drinks, or something. He was unequivocally not into that; he wanted to come to my apartment. And as soon as he walked in the door, that’s all he wanted to do, we were having sex within… 2 minutes? I guess? (It’s so great being young) He hung around for a few minutes chatting, put his clothes back on, and left.
I was pretty bummed about it for a while. I tried again to get him to go out, but when it was clear he didn’t want to, I didn’t force the issue. I kept hooking up with him periodically, because the sex was great and it took zero effort (I didn’t have to leave my house!) and went out with a few other people as well. When I started dating my boyfriend, I told him so, and obviously didn’t see him again. He kept sending me sexual texts and facebook messages even though I told him to stop, and that it was making me uncomfortable. I defriended him and didn’t respond to messages for a while. He seemed genuinely upset. He would resurface every few months, saying I was so great and that I never gave him a chance. I explained that he’d painted himself into a fuck buddy corner and of course I was going to end up dating someone else, if that’s all I was getting from him.
My long-standing belief has been that if I have sex with someone “too soon” and they think less of me for it, that’s not a person I want in my life.
We hooked up again recently, since I’ve gone back to my slutty, slutty ways. He said he’s a little more careful now, and that when he goes out with someone he thinks he might really like, he’s sure to wait at least until the 3rd date. This wouldn’t bother me, except for the context of my history with him, and the fact that the rule is not a natural inclination but an unyielding requirement.
Sarah: “So how long do you wait?”
Jim: “Like 4th date, maybe 3rd. The first date is like a meet and greet, you just have coffee and it’s under an hour, it barely counts. And then the second date is dinner. And then one or two more dinners, and then it’s ok to”
Sarah: “So you don’t really feel comfortable having sex until that long? Or you want to, and she wants to, but you wait because you believe you should?”
Jim: “Yeah, I need to wait a while before I have sex with someone, if I want it to be a real relationship. I don’t want to ruin it by having sex too soon.”
Sarah: “You’re afraid you would mess something up if you had sex earlier? How so?”
Jim: “Well then it would just be all about the sex, I wouldn’t get to know her and like, build a relationship with her, I’d just be having sex with her. And like that’s ok for some things.”
Sarah: “You can’t get to know someone after you have sex with them?”
Jim: “I mean, in theory, sure, but I probably wouldn’t”
Sarah: “That sounds like a problem specific to you.”
Jim: “Yeah, maybe? I don’t know, that’s how it works for me.”
Sarah: “Do you let people know this, ahead of time? Because these girls you go out with, they might not anticipate that you’ll lose all respect for them when they put out. Because you don’t seem like that kind of guy.”
Jim: “Oh it’s not that I lose respect for anyone, I just would stop thinking of them as someone I would date long-term.”
Sarah: “I’ve noticed that when guys want to wait a long time, it’s always been cause they’re really bad at sex. Just my anecdotal evidence.”
Jim: “So when would you first have sex with someone?”
Sarah: “Second date, almost always. You have a lot of Ok Cupid-ing and texting, the first date you usually talk for like, hours, and you establish whether there’s an attraction. Then you text for a while and build some anticipation, and then after you have sex you know better where you stand and what you want, and if it’s going well you go out again soon, and you’re even more at ease with each other, because you’ve seen each other naked. Icebreaker!”
Jim: “And that’s worked for you, your 2nd date policy?”
Sarah: “It’s not a policy, it’s just what ends up happening most of the time. And it’s absolutely worked. The times I’ve waited much longer, it’s gone horribly, and I wish I’d known earlier so I didn’t waste time and emotional energy getting to know someone I have no interest in having sex with.”
Jim: “What about the guy you just broke up with?”
Sarah: “Yeah, exactly, we had sex on the 2nd date. And we dated for like, 10 months. By far the best relationship I’ve ever been in.”
Jim: “But you broke up.”
Sarah: “Yes…”
Jim: “So, that didn’t work for you.”
Sarah: “Of course it worked.”
Jim: “You’re not with him now, so it didn’t work out.”
Sarah: “So you think because a relationship ends, it’s a failure?”
Jim: “Of course.”
Sarah: “Heh, yeah I think that’s where we differ, fundamentally. I’m not interested in, like, a race to get married.”
Jim: “Wait so,- what are you planning to do, long term? Go on Ok Cupid dates for the rest of your life?”
Sarah: “God, I hope so!”
Now there’s this other guy, I’m going to call him Jason, because he looks JUST like Jason Sudekis. (the TV show of my life is basically casting itself!) We went out, and then we went out again, and from there went to my house and had sex. There was really no decision to be made about whether that was the ideal time, I fucking wanted him, and he was so cute, and he kept touching my neck, and it was either go back to my house or push the beers out of the way and start going at it on the actual bar. I went with “in my own home,” and I stand by that decision 100%.
He mentioned a few days ago that he has a “12 hours of face time” rule before having sex with someone new. We had… 9, I guess? So no, he is not one of those weirdos that makes up arbitrary numerical requirements and bases actual decisions on them, but the existence of the rule is still puzzling to me.
Sarah: “So what are you trying to prevent, what’s the real danger in having sex with someone earlier?”
Jason: “That they turn out to be shitty? I think after 12 hours if they’re awful, it’s probably come out and you know you don’t want to. But sometimes you sleep with someone too soon, just off of physical attraction, but they might be a racist.”
(Doesn’t matter; still counts!)
Sarah: “So, can you just not go out with them after you realize they suck?”
Jason: “It’s just a lot harder at that point. And you don’t want to be a the guy that has sex with a girl then never calls her.”
Fair enough.
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